I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
