You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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