cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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