A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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