I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
