I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
