I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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