Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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