I wish my penis had an off switch
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
