Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
