In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
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