I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
