i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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