I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
