guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
3 2 1 whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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