the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
