if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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