Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
