Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
