Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My balls are so social today.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
