Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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