Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
