I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
