I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
