I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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