I just saw a hot homeless man
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
