if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
