I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
