Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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