I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
