I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
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walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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