if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
