what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He better not be in your backpack
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
