She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
