she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
