the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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