I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
