I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
