if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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