why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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