Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
