Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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