i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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