At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
