I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
