I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
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I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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