There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
