Your favorite bartender is back from prision
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
