Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Michael Bay diarrhea
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
