Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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