I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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