fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
