dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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