I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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