While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
