I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My cat gives me a boner
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
