I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Two words: nipple clamps
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