Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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