I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
