we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
