My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
