im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
